Whenever you stick your neck out and do something differently, you are going to have people pissed off at you…sometimes pretty badly. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of the same. Change is always disruptive and hard, and sometimes, the more effective or efficient you are, the more disruptive it is (this is true of both change for the good or bad). The insults, consequently, are proportionally bad and hard. Its taken me some time to learn how to deal with insults, and I’m constantly seeking new ways to understand the art of dealing with them.

Today’s lesson is from Steve Jobs, ironically a great insulter himself, who shows us the art of turning an “ouch” into an enthused ovation.

1.  Show your insulter and the audience some respect (if they deserve it). In this case, it took guts to stand up and question a respected figure. Steve did not put him down in any way, nor did he turn the audience against him. There was no laughing at him or belligerence or defensiveness. It was respectful throughout.

2. Pause and take your time. Steve takes his time answering. This is good for several reasons. It allows you to calm yourself down, collect your thoughts and answer in a coherent and controlled manner.  Essentially, it takes power away from the insulter and gives it back to you.

3. Separate out the personal/emotional and focus on the core problem the insulter has. While the question started out and ended personally (“you don’t know what you are talking about” and “maybe you can tell us what you’ve been doing for seven years!!”), it became very pointed and clear what specifically the insulter had a problem with was Java, and probably the fact that he didn’t understand Steve’s methods and direction. Steve honed into this and focused his response on that.

4. Use humor without making it personal. After pausing, Steve starts in a light-hearted manner and keeps infusing humor where he can. Humor always diffuses tension. It was never, however, personal. Again, it sets the whole group at ease, including the insulter.

5.  If your insulter is right, say so. This goes back to point #1, of showing respect. The audience isn’t stupid either and they know that the insulter had a point. Steve gains everyone’s respect by admitting that he was right in parts.

6. Turn the insult into an opportunity to sell/explain your point-of-view: Often insults get the most attention…audience members who have may have tuned out, tune back in. You could’ve heard a pin-drop in that pause between insult and response. Steve,  a genius at captivating an audience, capitalized on that opportunity. In this case, he talks about how he starts with the audience in mind, not the technology, and how that dictates his entire philosophy and helps ultimately sell apple products. He then tells stories and keeps the audience engaged. Essentially, he turned an insult into a powerful 5 min story-telling session that showcased the hardworking team at Apple.

7. Apologize, if there is reason to. Steve does this multiple times, and he is clear what is both sorry for, and what he isn’t.

8. Summarize and finish strong. In the last 10 seconds, Steve sums it up very quickly, ensuring his last words leave the audience in his court…i.e. “support my team who are kicking some serious butt.”

Interestingly, I googled “the art of taking an insult”, and the top search results all linked to “the art of giving an insult.” It should say something about our priorities!! 🙂

Other points of view: Zen and the Art of Dealing with Insults